I'm writing because I'm thinking; I'm thinking because I'm sad; I'm sad because of her. Indeed, my emotions have fluctuated a lot lately. As school started for the new year I feel especially down - because I felt especially happy during the winter break, which is because she was happy. It's really scary how her emotions really affects mine - if only that were the case. It's not solely about what she feels, it's how we are with each other.
When I'm alone or with her, I would despise seeing couples. Not that I hate the people together, but their existence just seems to mock the impossibility to be with her as a lover. I would be jealous of the people hugging each other, holding each other's hands, joking cozily with each other, not as us to whom a barrier she casts always forbids my closeness.
During the vacation, we talk a lot more, though mainly about her project. Now that it's over, everything returns to status quo, which is when she doesn't need me. When she has no needs of me we barely talk, or at least we don't know what to talk about. There would be no first motivation for her to initiate a conversation. I don't want to say it's her fault, because it's mine too that I could not start on a topic myself.
Perhaps I really am depressed because her. When I'm sad, the odds are that she is related somehow, especially her attitude towards our relationship. Knowing that at least she couldn't say no to me has made such a difference. Now, how am I supposed to face her? If I pretend she has no feelings for me, I wouldn't know what to do. Her answer denies this, but her attitude supports it. What exactly is she trying to do anyway? When I asked her for an answer she might as well have said no, if she decided that she had no feelings for me at all. Why is it that she would like to, even openly, lead me on? Why can I not believe in the genuineness of her answer?
She needs time, I understand, so I'll give her time. Meanwhile, all she seems to do is keep me away. Especially after being done with her paper, she seems to just have dropped me like a tool she no longer needs. It hurts me greatly to think that she has come to a point to accepting herself to use me as a disposable item. And then backing up to square 1, wasn't this what I wanted - to be at least of use to her? Why, now, do I resent this? I see her so often but the psychological distance at which she keeps me is making me feel so desperate yet lonely. My mind just can't accept the vastly contrasting situations.I'm desperate for a final reply that she might never give me that, at least I feel, would set my mind to rest forever.
"If your feelings are still what they were last [year], tell me so at once! My affections and wishes are unchanged, but one word from you will silence me on this subject forever." - Jane Austen, Pride & Prejudice
Why won't you give me this "one word?"
I'm at a point where feelings and energy depend almost entirely on my relationship with her.This is unhealthy, I know. I've come to realize that my sadness originates from her. When, for short instances every now and then, I focus on something else my life seems so much more at ease, so much more endurable, so much easier, so much happier. She is like drug for me, whose delusive effects and beauty surpasses all others in my eyes but whose poison consumes me forever more, whose addictiveness only worsens by the day, by the week, by the month, and by the year, whose deadliness on my heart grows ever more, but yet never enough to finally put it to a halt. My heart beats for her sometimes in happiness, but then, inevitably after, in sorrows and frustration and self-guilt.
Should I let go? I know that I would be a much happier person without my feelings for her lingering on. But even if I decided to, how can I let go? But part of "to love" is to forgo self happiness. Should I allow sadness to dominate me for only short while longer until she has decided? I'm now living in that faint hope that her answer for me would ultimately be a yes. But if she said no, would I settle; would I let go? Then, am I just blaming my own restlessness and pressure all on her? This shouldn't be complicated; it wouldn't be if I had just accepted her rejection last year, but now even she is unsure. Ironically, now my own affections seems to falter and wade, but yet not enough to let go. Just what am I supposed to do? What can I do?
This year's getting waaaaaay too cold waaaaaaay to early. Or is it just me? Now why I'm posting on Xanga again I have no idea; I just felt like logging on and typing something. And hey I am writing something for once. Just went to the diabetes walk today with Key Club - 10 kilometers in total. The walk was fun and actually not tiring; I'm looking forward to walks later in the year...That's that for now :]
Just bored, saying something when I don't even feel like it. Not that anyone would read but it's just fun typing; it's like talking to somebody when you're not you know. Makes the solitude less real. No I'm not sounding emo, I'm just bored, having spent an entire day waiting for the stupid crews that were never coming who were supposed to install a FiO TV. O am gee it's stupid how I wasted one nice day inside.
Summer's gonna be over soon...There are so many things not covered during the summer. The vacation is going way too fast yet wait too dull. Time, slow down, for heaven's sake! I feel like the last time I didn't go to school was a week ago. And tomorrow is Friday again! Youth group again but also marks the end of yet another week. I have less and less time to do the work now. Lol. I'm already regretting, yet not doing anything.
